Saturday, June 04, 2005

Why not me?

Congressman Chris Cox, who I have had the pleasure of voting for at least twice, has been promoted out of Congress into the SEC. I guess he has gotten bored with Tom DeLay's strong-arm tactics and the Senate Republican's whining/sniveling. ("We only have a majority in the Senate, 5 more Republicans and we can do what we want... I mean, 12 more.") This just in, the Green Party is courting McCain for 2008, I think he's got the nomination sewed up.

It occurred to me that my name is almost certainly not on the ballot, and I began to wonder why not. I mean, I think I have all the qualifications that you need. What else could I possibly need?

I'm not saying I have driven off of a bridge while drunk and left behind a woman (not my wife) in the car only for her to die hours later, but then, I wouldn't be running for a Senate seat either. Speaking of, when are Japan and Germany going to start paying for their national defense again Barbara Boxer?

To begin with, I am a veteran of the Armed Forces. It seems to work just fine for many of our elected officials. I mean, I even volunteered during a time of war (take that George W. Bush)! I must admit I volunteered for a position in the Navy, which I thought was an extremely safe position, until the USS Cole was bombed. Which reminds me, you damned Islamic Extremists are going to burn if you are ever so lucky as to be within rifle range of me. Hey, I just remembered I was given an honorable discharge! (Take that John Kerry!)

My father is a wealthy attorney too! I know he will tell anyone within hearing distance of his imminent strangling poverty, but I assure you he is doing fine. If only he could become a judge, then it would be a short wait before he could appoint me to legislative office by judicial fiat. All it takes is a liberal interpretation of Bush v. Gore and I am in! (At least, that is what Salon.com tells me.)

I have a college education. I have never taken drugs as long as you exclude tobacco, anything I was prescribed, and alcohol, and I know I do! I have been a complete failure at at least one occupation and a reluctant success in another! I have only a few credit card connections to adult websites that I am sure I can discredit!

What is most important though, is my position on the issues. Hey! You! Yeah the California voter! Quit laughing, I'm quite serious.

Immigration. Illegal that is. Quite opposed to it. I am rather surprised by the reluctance of Republicans to come down hard on this issue. My personal stance is increasing the funding/staffing of the border patrol to the levels authorized (already) by Congress. In addition (that means 'do this too'), we need to establish a real Peace Corps, something that provides training and compensation to volunteers (read the Minutemen, Seniors who will be in Arizona anyway, and home schooled children) who agree to patrol sections of the border and inform the Border Patrol about illegal activities. I think the DEA and the AMF have more than adequate funding to do this. In fact, why don't we place those departments under Homeland Security, and replace the Homeland Security chief with some Anti-Illegal Alien Zealot. After all, I'd rather Mexico solve its own problems instead of exporting them to our nation. Plus, the Randy Weaver's of this nation really don't need snipers killing their wives, sons and dogs. [See first Appendix for more ranting on Illegal Immigration]

Social Security. Here's a thought. Everyone who has yet to pay Social Security taxes is hereby exempt from ever paying into the system or receiving benefits from it. I call this the 'Cold Turkey' Law. Everyone else will just have to choose from privatization, taxation, or reduction in benefits to make sure those above us on the pyramid get their money. Those few who will be unable to receive benefits (Read those born after 1970 who have paid into the system) are probably screwed. Then again, haven't we known this was coming anyway? Oh, and don't you dare bemoan the poor disabled people who will no longer receive benefits. All those people who have had a disability that lasted at least 12 months, could have killed them, and prevented them from performing any job they had ever been trained for can all get the help you need from religious institutions or your family. Trust me, it is a lot easier than hiring an attorney and going to war with the Federal government to get a check that is less than half of what you could have earned on a street corner in San Francisco anyway.

Environment. I included this in between two important issues so that you'll forget my position on this after you read the next one. I am in favor of greater drilling for oil wherever we have it. I am exhausted with the idea of supporting regimes in the Middle East, South America, and Mexico, when all they do is give us reasons to bomb them. Seriously! Who doesn't support the carpet-bombing of oil producing nations when it costs $65 to fill up my SUV??? Did you know that oil rigs (the ones in the ocean high school grads) support over 30,000 different forms of marine life with a rich habitat? Not to mention the heat radiated by an active oil rig further supports marine life. Those oil rigs, which people in Santa Barbara hate in light of their gratuitous wealth and snobbery, are home to new species of marine life. Lets build more of them. Lets build a whole lot more of them. Caribou herds have grown enormously since the Alaskan pipeline was installed. Lets drill for more oil there too. The number one factor reducing oil drilling in this nation is cost and government interference. Lets remove government interference since the Saudi's have already removed cost as a factor.

Abortion. Wow, I can already feel the flames off of the replies for this stance. I support a Constitutional Amendment that would refuse the decision in Roe v. Wade and place the decision of Abortion before state legislatures with a few restrictions. No third trimester abortions and no 'partial birth' abortions except in cases of Rape, Incest and the Life of the Mother. I realize this is a radical stance for a Republican in California, but I don't have to run against a Democrat for this seat, so I can get CRAZY with the social conservatism! I also don't think it would be a big deal, and I think it is important to remove this issue from all national politics. This issue is beneath the Federal Legislatures and the Presidency. It eliminates important national decisions such as Foreign Policy, Trade, Defense, and the Budget. I mean seriously, the last few elections have all been determined by who can get the most College drug addicts/radical Christians to the polls. Is that what we want running our country?

War on Terror. Unsurprisingly, my stance is in favor of the War on Terror, however, not the way you think. I am in favor of winning the War on Terror, even at the expense of political correctness. [Note: author is about to invoke the name of FDR for the first time in 15 years] Franklin Delano Roosevelt was correct when he interned the Japanese. His only mistake, and frankly every President's until Ronald Reagan, was to not immediately compensate them. I think it is correct to expect Americans who resemble the hijackers to be examined closely by security personnel. After all, we already expect World War II veterans that scaled the cliffs of Pointe du Hoc to submit to the indignity of dropping their pants before the gate which led to the plane that was to take them to Las Vegas for a Memorial Day celebration of their sacrifice, but is now merely the portal through which moron college students with fake ID's gape at the octogenarian’s underwear. Yes that's right, I am in favor of WINNING the War on Terror. Not fighting it in a manner that France would approve of. I think if this nation is going to vote for war, it needs to be prepared to fight one.

Iraq. I disagree with the President on this one. Iraq is not a part of the War on Terror, although it is a useful tool against terror. The war on Iraq is directly related to Saddam Hussein's violation of a cease-fire agreement he signed after the first Gulf War. I realize that after President Bill Clinton essentially ceased all enforcement of that cease fire agreement, except when he was busy getting caught with his joystick in an intern, which might have led Saddam Hussein and the World to think that we had forgiven Iraq's commitment to the cease fire. After all, Bill Clinton had forgiven North Korea's pursuit of nuclear weapons by giving them Nuclear Reactors and Rocket Technology. It is unsurprising that the UN, pocket's full of Iraqi oil bribes, were unwilling to vote for a second Iraq war when W. demanded it due to the violations of Cease Fire agreements. Which is why Bush dreamed up the War on Terror connection. Thus, my disagreement with Bush is really just semantics, you say War on Terror, and I say Violation of Cease Fire. Same thing.

Finally, my greatest qualification for Congressman of Orange County is my rampant poverty and alcoholism. If I don't win this seat I will be reduced to begging for cash on the same street corner as Gray Davis, hoping to garner enough money from liberals to afford a bottle of ripple tonight.

Wait, I just realized something. My marginal military service, abuse of drugs, sketchy family history, and complete lack of cash only qualifies me to be a Senator, not a Representative. Not like my positions on issues hadn't already disqualified me. When was the last time you heard a politician say what you thought?

Appendix 1

I am not done with this issue either. Three points. Democrats (or progressives if you prefer) are only establishing a second society within the United States. By encouraging illegal immigration either through a refusal to enforce immigration laws or by providing amnesty to illegal aliens you create a new slave society. These people come the United States with the understanding that so long as they don’t bring attention to themselves they can live and prosper here. Unfortunately, that leaves them extremely vulnerable to criminal manipulation. Imagine an entire society of people who do not speak English, know nothing of the Laws which protect them, and who are fearful of Law Enforcement deporting them or jailing them. These people are completely defenseless against extortion and abuse. Not only can employers (the boogeyman of all Democrats unless the employer in question is the Federal Government) take advantage of these people, but so could lawless elements of American and Mexican society. Republicans (or conservatives as necessary) are only enabling the destruction of the innovation America is famous for. There is nothing like a cheap and unlimited labor force to discourage innovation and technology in industry. Why research new and intriguing techniques in fruit harvesting or golf club manufacture when we can just hire a bunch of illegals? Why become a nation of technicians when we can be a nation of supervisors and slaves. (Oops, I meant undocumented workers, not slaves; there is a difference that doesn’t quite come to me at the moment. Oh that’s right! Slaves are looked on with pity and regret in this society and illegals are just getting what they deserve.) Moderates (read Conservatives who want to run for President but know the party won’t support them) are only supporting the government of a hostile and corrupt regime. Why do we allow Mexico to dictate policy to our government? Illegal immigrants in this nation send the bulk of their earnings back to Mexico, making their labor an export second in value only to oil for Mexico. This money supports the very government that pushes these people out of their nation in the first place. The corrupt wealthy families that control everything (including Vincente “a rebel until I am in power” Fox) and prevent all possibility of opportunity in their nation. For progressives and conservatives, imagine a nation where all the money was divided by the Kennedy’s and the Bush’s. (No, America isn’t like that… yet.) Not to mention the fact that Dem’s and Rep’s treat these people like their mother-in-law. You know what I mean, the wife acts like she is doing Mom a favor and the husband acts like the Mother-in-Law is trespassing. If you were the illegal alien, how would you feel about America? It is almost like we have all put “Illegals stay off the grass” signs in our yards, except that the illegals are the ones who cut them. [Author’s note: illegals do push people out of industries because of their willingness to accept lower wages (capitalism) and the difficulty of working with them without a knowledge of Spanish. Don’t forget the infamy of working with illegal when you are a citizen, which explains why high school kids don’t mow the lawn anymore.] Want more? I dare you to reply to this post with a positive illegal alien message. I double dog dare you to.

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